comin' at ya like a whirlwind

I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. Ever feel that way? When your brain and your heart are both going about a bazillion miles per hour, but not in sync...

Anyway... I found out today that a friend from high school passed away this morning. He had muscular dystrophy and had been fighting for years. I guess it just finally caught up to him. His death wasn't totally unexpected, but it is still hard. I can't even imagine how his family is feeling. I've lost an uncle and a grandfather, and that's hard enough. But I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It is a little bit of comfort, though, to know that he knew the Lord and is with Father now and for the rest of eternity!

I've been struggling lately about this job thing... I have less than a week to turn things in if I am going to apply for the 'permanent' teaching position. I haven't really felt any distinct direction on the matter, other than not being motivated to go through the application stuff. Maybe there's a reason I haven't been motivated....maybe God is using this as a way to let me know this is not the job for me. I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is that no matter which direction I go, I'll be trusting God and taking a leap of faith. I know He'll use me, whether I follow His call or ignore it. I mean, look at Jonah-- He ran from God, and God used Him to lead one of the greatest revivals of all time! (after a short excursion in the belly of a great fish, of course) So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am leaning toward not even applying for the teaching job. This does of course lead to the possibility of me moving away from Cape in the relatively near future. But, since I currently have no idea what my future looks like past May, this may or may not happen. Just keep me in your prayers about the whole situation if you don't mind....

Unfortunately, this post has taken way too long to complete. And I know I haven't included everything... but I'm having a hard time conveying my thoughts tonight.


Father, I ask for comfort for the Chesnut family as they grieve over losing Justin. Give them a peace and assurance in their hearts that they will get to see him again in Your Glory. Please let others see that peace, and let them wander how a family can be so trusting in You. Let Justin's death lead others to You. Give me the boldness to share the Gospel with my unsaved friends that will be at the visitation.

smalltown roadtrip

So tonight 3 of my friends and I took off to eat in Kelso, MO at what some of us thought was going to be a little pizza joint. Turns out, it was a rather nice restaurant-- a pizza and steak place. We all ate pizza, and it was wonderful. After dinner we decided we couldn't just go back home, so we took off across the river and ended up in Thebes, IL. This town was so cool... they had a permanent dunking booth in the park. No joke. This thing was permanently afixed. And old and broken. But a dunking tank, nonetheless. They also had a very nice merry-go-round, and teeter-totters that were green with yellow John Deere seats. Right across the road, there was an old back-hoe, so of course we had to pose for a picture or two. We had more fun that normal people should have in a smalltown in Southern Illinois! Hoping to post some pictures sometime soon....

i was thinking, overthinking, cuz there's just too many scenarios

Oh the joys of decision making.... I have until October 22 to make a decision. That is the application deadline for the "permanent" position at SEMO--basically the same job I'm doing now, but with a renewable contract. So, I just have to figure out whether this is something I want to pursue or not. I could always apply without deciding that I'll take the job. It is really hard to decided since part of the job would require teaching lecture (which I'm scheduled to do next semester), but I don't have (and won't have) any experience before they want to make a hiring decision (which is the end of this calendar year). So basically, at this point, I'm not sure which way God is leading me. I don't know what my future holds, and I have a hard time dealing with that. So, a lot of prayer is going to be necessary.

And, my attitude lately (about a number of things) has been pretty lousy. Please hold me accountable.

oh soul, are you weary and troubled...

It's quiet here again tonight. This quietness is not quite as comfortable as the recent one referred to in the previous post. Not because I don't like the quiet. Not even because I don't particularly enjoy being alone. I'm not as comfortable because I'm coming to realize that God is working on me, pushing me to act, and I'm fighting. I'm not fighting because I don't want to act, but because I'm not sure how to act at this point. I'm trying to trust Him to show me. But I'm scared of moving forward because it means digging up the past. I'm trying to take a step forward, but I don't like the unknown, the unfamiliar, or the uncomfortable. I guess nobody really does.

when peace like a river

Sometimes there are nights when I'm perfectly content with a quiet house. Tonight is one of those nights. We had Bible study and prayer time at the house tonight and I enjoyed the time we had while everyone was here. But I'm enjoying the quiet so much more.

I feel like God has really been working in me lately. My desire to daily spend time in His Word is increasing everyday. I'm constantly being challenged and encouraged by my friends. God has convicted me. And forgiven me. He is giving me peace and joy at work. But there is still a lot of work to do. A friend and I were talking at church this morning about how its kinda cool that the college kids are migrating closer to the front every week. He said something along the lines of, 'I hope that means they're moving closer to God in their daily walks.' We kinda laughed and joked about it--about how we usually sit pretty close to the front, so we must be pretty close to God. And we joked about how it wouldn't be long before we had moved so far forward we were on stage. He then said, 'ya know, I'm going to be thinking about that all week.' Me too. I have already been thinking about it today. Is my walk one that would put me on the stage? or in the front pew? or the back of the sanctuary? Is my walk one that glorifies Christ? Can people see that I belong to Him? I hope so. I want that.

Lord, make me like You. Let me truly represent You as Your child who was created in Your likeness. Give me a burning desire to seek You and to know Your Word like I know my own hands. Give me accountability.

Stagnant. adj.

Stagnant. adj. 1. not moving or flowing; motionless. 2. foul or stale from standing. 3a. showing little or no sign of activity or advancement; not developing or progressing; inactive. 3b. lacking vitality or briskness; sluggish or dull.

I wrote this post once already this evening - about how I feel spiritually stagnant at this current point in my life. Then I realized how much like a pity party it sounded. I don't want this to be that kind of blog. I've had those before. Instead, I want to thank God for putting such amazing people in my life who will pray for me at times like this. People who encourage me, suggest scriptures, ask me how I'm doing, and hold me accountable. Thanks. And please keep praying for me as I wrestle with selfishness and lack of discipline.

seeking Glory

I've only had this blog for a few days now, but I've already changed the name and location. This is due to a number of conversations I've had lately with friends and the inspiration of Thursday night prayer group.

Apparently, I'm a "glory seeker."

I have a tendency to make comments that give praise and glory to myself and my abilities. But I hope to change that.

I no longer want to be a glory seeker.

I want to seek God's Glory.

Cliche. I know. I'm okay with that. But seriously, I want to live my life in a way that exalts my Father and no one else. Not even myself.

Especially not myself.