be my escape

be my escape. by relient k.

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so You won’t even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate.
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption,
'cause I know to live you must give your life away.

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here,
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.
I gotta get outta here,
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now, Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how,
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there.
And this life sentence that I’m serving,
I admit that I’m every bit deserving,
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here,
I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake.
I gotta get outta here,
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity,
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made.
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me,
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave.

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here,
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.
I gotta get outta here,
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long,
I should have let You in,
Oh how we regret those things we do.
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin,
But so were You.

So were You.

i think i'm on a roll here in little rock

i'm sitting here in my new apartment in little rock, and it's still a wreck. i still haven't completely unpacked. and right now, my big dilemma is trying to figure out where to put things and what to put in storage, etc. but even tho it is a mess, i am making progress. and things are going well. getting settled in at work,... i've been mostly doing a lot of observation so far, but will soon (hopefully next week) be getting my hands on actual casework. training won't officially be over for another 6 or 8 weeks, but at least i finally feel like i'm moving forward there too. i am really enjoying all the folks i work with. and i like my apartment (and the two obnoxious cats). and i'm just liking little rock. :)

i stand amazed

so, it's official. but i still can't quite believe it.

i'm moving to little rock. yes, that's in arkansas. (but hey, at least it's not indiana!)

why? you might ask... i got a job! yes, a real big kid forensic science job. working for the crime lab in little rock. pretty dang sweet! i've been waiting for this for awhile now (see previous posts), and i'm so amazed.

i mean, i'm amazed that i was able to be so confident in the interview - it felt like everything went so well. then they called me and it was hard to believe that they were offering me a job. and i'm moving to arkansas! (so weird!) but mostly, i'm amazed at how God has worked this into His timing. i have no idea why now is the time, but it is. and i have to trust that He knows what He's doing. and i know that He will guide my steps on all of the logistics - finding a place to live, figuring out when to move, etc.

thanks to all you (or however few of you actually read this poorly-updated blog) for your prayers and support. :)

have patience, don't be in such a hurry...

sometimes its hard to be a one girl revolution

sometimes i have good days and it's good to be me
sometimes i get the best of insecurity
and it's quite alright to be the one and only
but today i feel like the one and lonely   
< one and lonely - superchic[k] >

i had a conversation with a friend tonight where we were discussing being content with who we are and with our singleness. this conversation was brought on by another friend who has many friends who are married or getting married and who finds herself getting depressed by this. one could easily deduce that this is because she is not content with herself or her situation. i don't know if that's the case for sure, and honestly, it's not my place to make that judgment. but it got me to thinking... i've been pretty content in my singleness. i don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but i'm okay with where i'm at now. BUT, i haven't really been content with the rest of my current situation - my job, my living situation, my finances, etc. i don't mind that i'm single, but i hate that i'm not supporting myself; that i don't have a job in my field; that i have been living with other people for over a year; that i've been out of my field for more than a year. and i find myself freaking out about these things.

so am i really any better off than the friend who doesn't like being single?

probably not. i think that in each of our situations, we're failing to rely on a Power greater than our own - we're lacking in faith. sometimes i think of this and say a quick prayer - sometimes just a prayer for that situation, sometimes a prayer for a greater faith... but rarely is it more than a prayer in the moment. faith is about constant trust. not just in the moment when we're freaking. but in every moment. in every situation. in every action. in every thought. easier said than done.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

i'm on the up and up

so, wow. can't believe it has been so long since i've posted. nevermind. i can totally believe it. anyway, a little progress in my life... very soon, i will no longer be working at my mediocre retail job - yay! i was hired full-time at another local establishment (super yay!) - a call center... but not the annoying kind... the kind of call center where people call me to make hotel reservations, and i set it up for them. i realize this is not a glamorous job,... perhaps no better than the retail job. but, it is more hours and more pay. and that's a good thing. i'll continue living with my awesome friends and looking for forensics jobs while i'm working there.

speaking of my awesome friends... we're going to be doing a bit of a garden project this spring/summer. it should prove to be interesting, and i think, exciting. :) each of the members of the household are responsible for a certain vegetable or vegetables. we'll have tomatoes, peppers, radishes, onions, squash, lettuce, and so much more! and, yours truly will be in charge of a variety of herbs. this is honestly a pretty daunting task. i've grown pretty much nothing in my life. and now i'm responsible for these herbs - from planning and planting to watering and pruning to harvesting. anyway, there will hopefully be a blog soon... but until it is really up and going, i'm not going to post the address. but soon.

i have a lot to say today, but i'm probably going to try to space it out a bit... a little today, and hopefully a little more tomorrow.... but before i cut it short, the inspiration for the title of this post is a relient k song. two of their songs have been hitting me really hard in the last week or so: up and up and be my escape. if you've never heard these songs, i highly recommend them both - or at least read the lyrics! in fact, i'll give you a little bit of each of them:

from be my escape:

i’m giving up on doing this alone now

cause i’ve failed and i’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and i’m trying to get there
and this life sentence that i'm serving

i admit that i’m every bit deserving
but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
cause i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity

and i’ve been locked inside that house

all the while You hold the key
and i’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
...and i’m begging You to be my escape

from up and up:

yesterday was not quite what it could've been

as were most of all the days before
but I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in

i'll be trying to make it so much more
cause it seems I get so hung up on

the history of what's gone wrong

and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
...to be prosperous would not require much of me

you see contentment is the one thing it entails

to be content with where i am

and getting where i need to be

i'm moving past the past where i have failed

...and i'm finally catching onto it

and now the past is just a conduit

and the light there at the end is where i'll be
cause i'm on the up and up

...and i haven't given up

given up on what i know i'm capable of
and I'm on the up and up

...yeah there's nothing left to prove

cause i'm just trying to be a better version of me for You

a better version of me for You

darlin', do not fear what you don't really know

it has been really hard to not get frustrated and discouraged. sometimes it is really tough being here, in this place i'm in - working at a job i don't love (and not really what i want to do), being so dependent on other people (living rent-free with very gracious people), and just overall feeling like my life is at a standstill.

[side note: i realize that my blogs often get written when i'm in this self-pitying mood.]

[note to self: avoid doing this in the future.]

anyway, update on me... still working in retail and still looking for a forensics job. just sent out another application this week (yay!) and am hoping to apply online to another job by this weekend. and i'm still looking.

in other news... my sister got engaged a couple months ago! (super yay!) i spent some time between christmas and new year's up in chicagoland with her and her fiance and her bridesmaids and had a blast. we talked wedding and went dress shopping, and mama was even able to come up for the shopping. i have to admit, i'm pretty excited to be the "moh". ;)