Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
sometimes its hard to be a one girl revolution
sometimes i have good days and it's good to be me
sometimes i get the best of insecurity
and it's quite alright to be the one and only
but today i feel like the one and lonely
< one and lonely - superchic[k] >
i had a conversation with a friend tonight where we were discussing being content with who we are and with our singleness. this conversation was brought on by another friend who has many friends who are married or getting married and who finds herself getting depressed by this. one could easily deduce that this is because she is not content with herself or her situation. i don't know if that's the case for sure, and honestly, it's not my place to make that judgment. but it got me to thinking... i've been pretty content in my singleness. i don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but i'm okay with where i'm at now. BUT, i haven't really been content with the rest of my current situation - my job, my living situation, my finances, etc. i don't mind that i'm single, but i hate that i'm not supporting myself; that i don't have a job in my field; that i have been living with other people for over a year; that i've been out of my field for more than a year. and i find myself freaking out about these things.
so am i really any better off than the friend who doesn't like being single?
probably not. i think that in each of our situations, we're failing to rely on a Power greater than our own - we're lacking in faith. sometimes i think of this and say a quick prayer - sometimes just a prayer for that situation, sometimes a prayer for a greater faith... but rarely is it more than a prayer in the moment. faith is about constant trust. not just in the moment when we're freaking. but in every moment. in every situation. in every action. in every thought. easier said than done.
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)
sometimes i get the best of insecurity
and it's quite alright to be the one and only
but today i feel like the one and lonely
< one and lonely - superchic[k] >
i had a conversation with a friend tonight where we were discussing being content with who we are and with our singleness. this conversation was brought on by another friend who has many friends who are married or getting married and who finds herself getting depressed by this. one could easily deduce that this is because she is not content with herself or her situation. i don't know if that's the case for sure, and honestly, it's not my place to make that judgment. but it got me to thinking... i've been pretty content in my singleness. i don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but i'm okay with where i'm at now. BUT, i haven't really been content with the rest of my current situation - my job, my living situation, my finances, etc. i don't mind that i'm single, but i hate that i'm not supporting myself; that i don't have a job in my field; that i have been living with other people for over a year; that i've been out of my field for more than a year. and i find myself freaking out about these things.
so am i really any better off than the friend who doesn't like being single?
probably not. i think that in each of our situations, we're failing to rely on a Power greater than our own - we're lacking in faith. sometimes i think of this and say a quick prayer - sometimes just a prayer for that situation, sometimes a prayer for a greater faith... but rarely is it more than a prayer in the moment. faith is about constant trust. not just in the moment when we're freaking. but in every moment. in every situation. in every action. in every thought. easier said than done.
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)
Friday, March 25, 2011
i'm on the up and up
so, wow. can't believe it has been so long since i've posted. nevermind. i can totally believe it. anyway, a little progress in my life... very soon, i will no longer be working at my mediocre retail job - yay! i was hired full-time at another local establishment (super yay!) - a call center... but not the annoying kind... the kind of call center where people call me to make hotel reservations, and i set it up for them. i realize this is not a glamorous job,... perhaps no better than the retail job. but, it is more hours and more pay. and that's a good thing. i'll continue living with my awesome friends and looking for forensics jobs while i'm working there.
speaking of my awesome friends... we're going to be doing a bit of a garden project this spring/summer. it should prove to be interesting, and i think, exciting. :) each of the members of the household are responsible for a certain vegetable or vegetables. we'll have tomatoes, peppers, radishes, onions, squash, lettuce, and so much more! and, yours truly will be in charge of a variety of herbs. this is honestly a pretty daunting task. i've grown pretty much nothing in my life. and now i'm responsible for these herbs - from planning and planting to watering and pruning to harvesting. anyway, there will hopefully be a blog soon... but until it is really up and going, i'm not going to post the address. but soon.
i have a lot to say today, but i'm probably going to try to space it out a bit... a little today, and hopefully a little more tomorrow.... but before i cut it short, the inspiration for the title of this post is a relient k song. two of their songs have been hitting me really hard in the last week or so: up and up and be my escape. if you've never heard these songs, i highly recommend them both - or at least read the lyrics! in fact, i'll give you a little bit of each of them:
from be my escape:
speaking of my awesome friends... we're going to be doing a bit of a garden project this spring/summer. it should prove to be interesting, and i think, exciting. :) each of the members of the household are responsible for a certain vegetable or vegetables. we'll have tomatoes, peppers, radishes, onions, squash, lettuce, and so much more! and, yours truly will be in charge of a variety of herbs. this is honestly a pretty daunting task. i've grown pretty much nothing in my life. and now i'm responsible for these herbs - from planning and planting to watering and pruning to harvesting. anyway, there will hopefully be a blog soon... but until it is really up and going, i'm not going to post the address. but soon.
i have a lot to say today, but i'm probably going to try to space it out a bit... a little today, and hopefully a little more tomorrow.... but before i cut it short, the inspiration for the title of this post is a relient k song. two of their songs have been hitting me really hard in the last week or so: up and up and be my escape. if you've never heard these songs, i highly recommend them both - or at least read the lyrics! in fact, i'll give you a little bit of each of them:
from be my escape:
i’m giving up on doing this alone now
cause i’ve failed and i’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and i’m trying to get there
and this life sentence that i'm serving
He’s told me the way and i’m trying to get there
and this life sentence that i'm serving
i admit that i’m every bit deserving
but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
cause i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
cause i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and i’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
and i’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
...and i’m begging You to be my escape
and i’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
...and i’m begging You to be my escape
from up and up:
yesterday was not quite what it could've been
as were most of all the days before
but I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in
but I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in
i'll be trying to make it so much more
cause it seems I get so hung up on
cause it seems I get so hung up on
the history of what's gone wrong
and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
...to be prosperous would not require much of me
...to be prosperous would not require much of me
you see contentment is the one thing it entails
to be content with where i am
and getting where i need to be
i'm moving past the past where i have failed
...and i'm finally catching onto it
and now the past is just a conduit
and the light there at the end is where i'll be
cause i'm on the up and up
cause i'm on the up and up
...and i haven't given up
given up on what i know i'm capable of
and I'm on the up and up
and I'm on the up and up
...yeah there's nothing left to prove
cause i'm just trying to be a better version of me for You
a better version of me for You
Thursday, January 27, 2011
darlin', do not fear what you don't really know
it has been really hard to not get frustrated and discouraged. sometimes it is really tough being here, in this place i'm in - working at a job i don't love (and not really what i want to do), being so dependent on other people (living rent-free with very gracious people), and just overall feeling like my life is at a standstill.
[side note: i realize that my blogs often get written when i'm in this self-pitying mood.]
[note to self: avoid doing this in the future.]
anyway, update on me... still working in retail and still looking for a forensics job. just sent out another application this week (yay!) and am hoping to apply online to another job by this weekend. and i'm still looking.
in other news... my sister got engaged a couple months ago! (super yay!) i spent some time between christmas and new year's up in chicagoland with her and her fiance and her bridesmaids and had a blast. we talked wedding and went dress shopping, and mama was even able to come up for the shopping. i have to admit, i'm pretty excited to be the "moh". ;)
[side note: i realize that my blogs often get written when i'm in this self-pitying mood.]
[note to self: avoid doing this in the future.]
anyway, update on me... still working in retail and still looking for a forensics job. just sent out another application this week (yay!) and am hoping to apply online to another job by this weekend. and i'm still looking.
in other news... my sister got engaged a couple months ago! (super yay!) i spent some time between christmas and new year's up in chicagoland with her and her fiance and her bridesmaids and had a blast. we talked wedding and went dress shopping, and mama was even able to come up for the shopping. i have to admit, i'm pretty excited to be the "moh". ;)
Monday, January 3, 2011
this too shall pass
(written 12.02.2010)
time for an update. long overdue, i know. not sure where i left off (since it has been so long and since i’m writing this where i don’t have internet access, so i can’t just look at my latest entry to see), but i’ll do my best. i interviewed for a job in tyler, tx awhile back. didn’t get it. got another interview with the same organization in austin, tx, but have yet to hear back from them – 5 weeks later. So, I’m just waiting patiently and trying to apply whenever/wherever I can. unfortunately, though, jobs (for which i am qualified) are few and far between. in the meantime, i’ve been hired on as seasonal help at our local macy’s. (at least my manager thinks i do a good job and wants to keep me past the holidays. i’d just prefer a forensics job before that.) i have a masters degree and am working part-time, minimum wage. it really sucks. but, as mark lowry sings, “this too shall pass.”
it is so easy to say, and so hard to believe. i feel like i often go into this rant about needing to exercise more faith, need to trust more in God, this is only temporary, etc. but i constantly need the reminder. things have been really rough for me in the past 7 months – emotionally and financially, especially. but again, i try to remember: “Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” (1 thess 5:24)
oh, and another bit of news,... my living situation is changing yet again. my friends, with whom i've been staying, are going to be moving soon. so, i’m in the process of packing up (again) and i’m gonna move in with another good friend and her family for awhile. should be interesting – i’ve never had to live with younger brothers...
time for an update. long overdue, i know. not sure where i left off (since it has been so long and since i’m writing this where i don’t have internet access, so i can’t just look at my latest entry to see), but i’ll do my best. i interviewed for a job in tyler, tx awhile back. didn’t get it. got another interview with the same organization in austin, tx, but have yet to hear back from them – 5 weeks later. So, I’m just waiting patiently and trying to apply whenever/wherever I can. unfortunately, though, jobs (for which i am qualified) are few and far between. in the meantime, i’ve been hired on as seasonal help at our local macy’s. (at least my manager thinks i do a good job and wants to keep me past the holidays. i’d just prefer a forensics job before that.) i have a masters degree and am working part-time, minimum wage. it really sucks. but, as mark lowry sings, “this too shall pass.”
it is so easy to say, and so hard to believe. i feel like i often go into this rant about needing to exercise more faith, need to trust more in God, this is only temporary, etc. but i constantly need the reminder. things have been really rough for me in the past 7 months – emotionally and financially, especially. but again, i try to remember: “Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” (1 thess 5:24)
oh, and another bit of news,... my living situation is changing yet again. my friends, with whom i've been staying, are going to be moving soon. so, i’m in the process of packing up (again) and i’m gonna move in with another good friend and her family for awhile. should be interesting – i’ve never had to live with younger brothers...
Friday, August 13, 2010
on the road again
leaving for texas in the morning (road trip!). really early in the morning. my friend is going down to the dallas area for a couple of days of interviews and meetings with midwives. i'm going with her and her mama. then, monday, i'm renting a car and driving to tyler, texas, where i have an interview! for a firearms/toolmark position. i'm a little excited! i'll update on how it goes and what i eventually hear...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
a little update on me:
i'm still unemployed, constantly looking. i'm a little picky about the jobs i apply for--i prefer trace or firearms/toolmarks over drugs or toxicology. perhaps my pickiness is making it tougher to find a job. i'm slowly depleting funds. that happens when you have zero income, but still have bills and loans to pay off. i've applied for a number of jobs around town so i can make a little money to get me by, but so far nothing has come from that. i did just put in two more applications in the last two days, though... so maybe something will work out.
i'm getting close to the freak out point. the point in my life where i realize i'm broke and unemployed and really have no idea what will happen. actually, when i put it like that, maybe i'm already there. somewhere deep down, it hasn't hit me. yeah, i'm broke. no, i don't have a job lined up. but for some reason, i'm still not super worried about it.
sounds like Jesus to me. it can't be mine own strength or my own hope. nope. it has to be the strength and hope and courage that the Lord provides for me. and yet, in that hope and strength and courage, i realize how ungrateful and untrusting i am and have been. i mean, i know that God provides. i know He'll take care of me and provide for me. but i realize that i have not been earnestly seeking or regularly praying or consistently studying the Word. i've been lazy. i've been existing, rather than living.
i know that He has a plan for me. and i know that it will be revealed to me at the perfect time. i'm just not very good at waiting for His timing or seeking His wisdom. please pray for me in that, as i know many of you have already been doing.
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
i surrender these into Your hands
all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
i surrender these into Your hands
for it's only in Your will that i am free
for it's only in Your will that i am free
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
i'm still unemployed, constantly looking. i'm a little picky about the jobs i apply for--i prefer trace or firearms/toolmarks over drugs or toxicology. perhaps my pickiness is making it tougher to find a job. i'm slowly depleting funds. that happens when you have zero income, but still have bills and loans to pay off. i've applied for a number of jobs around town so i can make a little money to get me by, but so far nothing has come from that. i did just put in two more applications in the last two days, though... so maybe something will work out.
i'm getting close to the freak out point. the point in my life where i realize i'm broke and unemployed and really have no idea what will happen. actually, when i put it like that, maybe i'm already there. somewhere deep down, it hasn't hit me. yeah, i'm broke. no, i don't have a job lined up. but for some reason, i'm still not super worried about it.
sounds like Jesus to me. it can't be mine own strength or my own hope. nope. it has to be the strength and hope and courage that the Lord provides for me. and yet, in that hope and strength and courage, i realize how ungrateful and untrusting i am and have been. i mean, i know that God provides. i know He'll take care of me and provide for me. but i realize that i have not been earnestly seeking or regularly praying or consistently studying the Word. i've been lazy. i've been existing, rather than living.
i know that He has a plan for me. and i know that it will be revealed to me at the perfect time. i'm just not very good at waiting for His timing or seeking His wisdom. please pray for me in that, as i know many of you have already been doing.
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
i surrender these into Your hands
all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
i surrender these into Your hands
for it's only in Your will that i am free
for it's only in Your will that i am free
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
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