grace that is greater than all our sin

I take for granted the life I’ve been given. No one knows when I’ll take my last breath.

Grace.

I take for granted the love of my Father. I disregard His word and instruction. I live my life as I please.

Grace.

I lose my identity to things and actions and people. I lose my way and chose the path of destruction.

Grace.

Grace.

God’s grace.

Infinite grace.

I don’t deserve it. But isn’t that the very definition of grace?

Undeserved forgiveness.  Undeserved blessings.  Undeserved comfort, peace, love, and hope.

Grace.

The ultimate gift.

The ultimate love.

The ultimate sacrifice.

Grace. 

Christ.

Grace.

and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake it off

tonight i'm reminded of Romans 7:15, 18-19
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

and 'shake it out' by florence + the machine has been oddly comforting...
"regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments
i can see no way, i can see no way
and all of the ghouls come out to play, every demon wants his pound of flesh
but i like to keep some things to myself
i like to keep my issues drawn
its always darkest before the dawn...
     shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh-whoa
     shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh-whoa
     and its hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake it off...
i am done with my graceless heart, so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart..."

be my escape

be my escape. by relient k.

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so You won’t even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate.
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption,
'cause I know to live you must give your life away.

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here,
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.
I gotta get outta here,
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now, Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how,
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there.
And this life sentence that I’m serving,
I admit that I’m every bit deserving,
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here,
I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake.
I gotta get outta here,
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity,
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made.
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me,
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave.

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, I promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here,
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.
I gotta get outta here,
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long,
I should have let You in,
Oh how we regret those things we do.
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin,
But so were You.

So were You.

i think i'm on a roll here in little rock

i'm sitting here in my new apartment in little rock, and it's still a wreck. i still haven't completely unpacked. and right now, my big dilemma is trying to figure out where to put things and what to put in storage, etc. but even tho it is a mess, i am making progress. and things are going well. getting settled in at work,... i've been mostly doing a lot of observation so far, but will soon (hopefully next week) be getting my hands on actual casework. training won't officially be over for another 6 or 8 weeks, but at least i finally feel like i'm moving forward there too. i am really enjoying all the folks i work with. and i like my apartment (and the two obnoxious cats). and i'm just liking little rock. :)

i stand amazed

so, it's official. but i still can't quite believe it.

i'm moving to little rock. yes, that's in arkansas. (but hey, at least it's not indiana!)

why? you might ask... i got a job! yes, a real big kid forensic science job. working for the crime lab in little rock. pretty dang sweet! i've been waiting for this for awhile now (see previous posts), and i'm so amazed.

i mean, i'm amazed that i was able to be so confident in the interview - it felt like everything went so well. then they called me and it was hard to believe that they were offering me a job. and i'm moving to arkansas! (so weird!) but mostly, i'm amazed at how God has worked this into His timing. i have no idea why now is the time, but it is. and i have to trust that He knows what He's doing. and i know that He will guide my steps on all of the logistics - finding a place to live, figuring out when to move, etc.

thanks to all you (or however few of you actually read this poorly-updated blog) for your prayers and support. :)

have patience, don't be in such a hurry...

sometimes its hard to be a one girl revolution

sometimes i have good days and it's good to be me
sometimes i get the best of insecurity
and it's quite alright to be the one and only
but today i feel like the one and lonely   
< one and lonely - superchic[k] >

i had a conversation with a friend tonight where we were discussing being content with who we are and with our singleness. this conversation was brought on by another friend who has many friends who are married or getting married and who finds herself getting depressed by this. one could easily deduce that this is because she is not content with herself or her situation. i don't know if that's the case for sure, and honestly, it's not my place to make that judgment. but it got me to thinking... i've been pretty content in my singleness. i don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but i'm okay with where i'm at now. BUT, i haven't really been content with the rest of my current situation - my job, my living situation, my finances, etc. i don't mind that i'm single, but i hate that i'm not supporting myself; that i don't have a job in my field; that i have been living with other people for over a year; that i've been out of my field for more than a year. and i find myself freaking out about these things.

so am i really any better off than the friend who doesn't like being single?

probably not. i think that in each of our situations, we're failing to rely on a Power greater than our own - we're lacking in faith. sometimes i think of this and say a quick prayer - sometimes just a prayer for that situation, sometimes a prayer for a greater faith... but rarely is it more than a prayer in the moment. faith is about constant trust. not just in the moment when we're freaking. but in every moment. in every situation. in every action. in every thought. easier said than done.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

i'm on the up and up

so, wow. can't believe it has been so long since i've posted. nevermind. i can totally believe it. anyway, a little progress in my life... very soon, i will no longer be working at my mediocre retail job - yay! i was hired full-time at another local establishment (super yay!) - a call center... but not the annoying kind... the kind of call center where people call me to make hotel reservations, and i set it up for them. i realize this is not a glamorous job,... perhaps no better than the retail job. but, it is more hours and more pay. and that's a good thing. i'll continue living with my awesome friends and looking for forensics jobs while i'm working there.

speaking of my awesome friends... we're going to be doing a bit of a garden project this spring/summer. it should prove to be interesting, and i think, exciting. :) each of the members of the household are responsible for a certain vegetable or vegetables. we'll have tomatoes, peppers, radishes, onions, squash, lettuce, and so much more! and, yours truly will be in charge of a variety of herbs. this is honestly a pretty daunting task. i've grown pretty much nothing in my life. and now i'm responsible for these herbs - from planning and planting to watering and pruning to harvesting. anyway, there will hopefully be a blog soon... but until it is really up and going, i'm not going to post the address. but soon.

i have a lot to say today, but i'm probably going to try to space it out a bit... a little today, and hopefully a little more tomorrow.... but before i cut it short, the inspiration for the title of this post is a relient k song. two of their songs have been hitting me really hard in the last week or so: up and up and be my escape. if you've never heard these songs, i highly recommend them both - or at least read the lyrics! in fact, i'll give you a little bit of each of them:

from be my escape:

i’m giving up on doing this alone now

cause i’ve failed and i’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and i’m trying to get there
and this life sentence that i'm serving

i admit that i’m every bit deserving
but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
cause i’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity

and i’ve been locked inside that house

all the while You hold the key
and i’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
...and i’m begging You to be my escape

from up and up:

yesterday was not quite what it could've been

as were most of all the days before
but I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in

i'll be trying to make it so much more
cause it seems I get so hung up on

the history of what's gone wrong

and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
...to be prosperous would not require much of me

you see contentment is the one thing it entails

to be content with where i am

and getting where i need to be

i'm moving past the past where i have failed

...and i'm finally catching onto it

and now the past is just a conduit

and the light there at the end is where i'll be
cause i'm on the up and up

...and i haven't given up

given up on what i know i'm capable of
and I'm on the up and up

...yeah there's nothing left to prove

cause i'm just trying to be a better version of me for You

a better version of me for You

darlin', do not fear what you don't really know

it has been really hard to not get frustrated and discouraged. sometimes it is really tough being here, in this place i'm in - working at a job i don't love (and not really what i want to do), being so dependent on other people (living rent-free with very gracious people), and just overall feeling like my life is at a standstill.

[side note: i realize that my blogs often get written when i'm in this self-pitying mood.]

[note to self: avoid doing this in the future.]

anyway, update on me... still working in retail and still looking for a forensics job. just sent out another application this week (yay!) and am hoping to apply online to another job by this weekend. and i'm still looking.

in other news... my sister got engaged a couple months ago! (super yay!) i spent some time between christmas and new year's up in chicagoland with her and her fiance and her bridesmaids and had a blast. we talked wedding and went dress shopping, and mama was even able to come up for the shopping. i have to admit, i'm pretty excited to be the "moh". ;)

this too shall pass

(written 12.02.2010)
time for an update. long overdue, i know. not sure where i left off (since it has been so long and since i’m writing this where i don’t have internet access, so i can’t just look at my latest entry to see), but i’ll do my best. i interviewed for a job in tyler, tx awhile back. didn’t get it. got another interview with the same organization in austin, tx, but have yet to hear back from them – 5 weeks later. So, I’m just waiting patiently and trying to apply whenever/wherever I can. unfortunately, though, jobs (for which i am qualified) are few and far between. in the meantime, i’ve been hired on as seasonal help at our local macy’s. (at least my manager thinks i do a good job and wants to keep me past the holidays. i’d just prefer a forensics job before that.) i have a masters degree and am working part-time, minimum wage. it really sucks. but, as mark lowry sings, “this too shall pass.”

it is so easy to say, and so hard to believe. i feel like i often go into this rant about needing to exercise more faith, need to trust more in God, this is only temporary, etc. but i constantly need the reminder. things have been really rough for me in the past 7 months – emotionally and financially, especially. but again, i try to remember: “Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” (1 thess 5:24)

oh, and another bit of news,... my living situation is changing yet again. my friends, with whom i've been staying, are going to be moving soon. so, i’m in the process of packing up (again) and i’m gonna move in with another good friend and her family for awhile. should be interesting – i’ve never had to live with younger brothers...

on the road again

leaving for texas in the morning (road trip!). really early in the morning. my friend is going down to the dallas area for a couple of days of interviews and meetings with midwives. i'm going with her and her mama. then, monday, i'm renting a car and driving to tyler, texas, where i have an interview! for a firearms/toolmark position. i'm a little excited! i'll update on how it goes and what i eventually hear...

all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans

a little update on me:

i'm still unemployed, constantly looking. i'm a little picky about the jobs i apply for--i prefer trace or firearms/toolmarks over drugs or toxicology. perhaps my pickiness is making it tougher to find a job. i'm slowly depleting funds. that happens when you have zero income, but still have bills and loans to pay off. i've applied for a number of jobs around town so i can make a little money to get me by, but so far nothing has come from that. i did just put in two more applications in the last two days, though... so maybe something will work out.

i'm getting close to the freak out point. the point in my life where i realize i'm broke and unemployed and really have no idea what will happen. actually, when i put it like that, maybe i'm already there. somewhere deep down, it hasn't hit me. yeah, i'm broke. no, i don't have a job lined up. but for some reason, i'm still not super worried about it.

sounds like Jesus to me. it can't be mine own strength or my own hope. nope. it has to be the strength and hope and courage that the Lord provides for me. and yet, in that hope and strength and courage, i realize how ungrateful and untrusting i am and have been. i mean, i know that God provides. i know He'll take care of me and provide for me. but i realize that i have not been earnestly seeking or regularly praying or consistently studying the Word. i've been lazy. i've been existing, rather than living.

i know that He has a plan for me. and i know that it will be revealed to me at the perfect time. i'm just not very good at waiting for His timing or seeking His wisdom. please pray for me in that, as i know many of you have already been doing.


Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be

all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
i surrender these into Your hands
all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
i surrender these into Your hands

for it's only in Your will that i am free
for it's only in Your will that i am free
Jesus, all for Jesus
all i am and have and ever hope to be

temporary home

let's play a game called bad news, good news....

bad news: i'm still unemployed.
good news: another position that i would really like to have and for which i need zero experience just opened up (in texas). i put my application in the mail today!

bad news: my lease is up at the end of the month, and we're not renewing it.
good news: my two roommies have places to go--one is moving in w/her fam for a few months to save up some $$ before moving to texas and the other is going to teach 9th graders in south korea for a year. crazy!

bad news: i don't have permanent housing until i get a permanent job.
good news: i have a temporary home. some wonderful friends are gonna let me crash in their basement for awhile. i get a bedroom and bathroom all to myself. oh, and i have a house-sitting gig for a week, so wonderful friends won't have to deal with me until the 2nd week of august.

bad news: wonderful friends are soon getting a puppy--which is really not bad news--but it means i probably won't be able to keep purrsuit there.
good news: my parents are always thrilled to take care of the princess! (they would never admit it, but they love her. i'm sure of it.)

bad news: i'm ending this post.
good news: i've been doing better about posting and informing you of my somewhat exciting life... i'll try to keep it up!

workin' 9 to 5

i realize the title is a bit misleading--this post is not about working, but about being unemployed. and looking for work. i wish i was writing to proclaim that i will finally be doing my dream job, or at least that i have an interview. but unfortunately, that's not the case. so you'll have to deal with my thoughts on unemployment.

don't worry, this isn't some politically fueled post about unemployment or welfare or food stamps, though i do have opinions of such matters,...

no, i'd like to fill you in on my job hunt thus far. back in march, i decided to quit my job as an instructor at the university here. i have yet to regret this decision. i know it would have been the easy thing to do--stay where i knew i had a job and i knew how to do the job and i know all kinds of people in town and i am involved in many church activities--but it wasn't the right thing to do. so, as my sister says, i excercised my faith muscle. and it feels pretty good so far, even if i have not yet secured steady employment. or any employment.

back when i first made this decision, i started looking for crime lab jobs--the kind of job i've always wanted. so i looked, and i found a few, and i applied. i applied 3 places. in 3 different states. in 3 different parts of the country. kansas, arizona, and louisiana. of the jobs, i was most excited about the job in louisiana since it was something a little closer to what i wanted to be doing. anyway, it comes down to this. i got notification from arizona that i wasn't qualified for their position (this i knew going into it, but hey, you never know for sure if you try! sometimes education can substitute for experience in these types of jobs). i also heard from louisiana that they had filled their position. kansas never contacted me. and come to think of it, i never contacted them. but, their opening has not been posted in awhile, so i'm assuming they've filled that position already too. so i was bummed about that. but, what could i do?

i kept looking.

and looking.

and looking.

once school ended and i was officially unemployed, i began even looking for part time jobs around here. i applied to 3 businesses in town--i'll call them bullseye, toys were they, and ex-fed. (don't judge. i need money!) i got an email from bullseye: "we are unable to offer you a position at this time." okay, i can deal with that. maybe they just don't have any openings. i get an email from ex-fed: "you did not pass the initial assessment." what? what does that even mean? did they dislike my answers in their ridiculously long "personality profile" that accompanied the application? apparently, i'm not ex-fed material. i didn't even want to drive a truck or wear the shorts. i just wanted to stand behind the desk and make copies for people. oh well. toys were they apparently didn't want me either, since i never heard back from them. it is what it is.

so, now, here i am. still jobless. still unsure of what my future holds. but, good news is, i've applied for 2 more "big kid jobs" in the last couple of weeks. one in texas and one in maryland. hoping to hear back from them soon...both have application deadlines this week, so it hopefully won't be too long.

in the mean time, i may continue to look for part time employment. i may continue to stay at home day after day doing little things around the house like clean the shower and pull ivy and vacuum and do laundry. i'll do my best to keep you posted. and i'll keep working on bulking up that faith muscle. :)

sometimes you feel like a nut

i've always claimed that i don't like nuts, except for peanuts. much to my dismay, i recently learned that i like pistachios. to comfort me, a friend told me that pistachios are not nuts; they are, in fact, legumes. so, feeling much better about myself and that i could still claim my dislike of nuts (i like peanuts; peanuts are legumes), i decided to look this up. i, of course, wanted to post my declaration on this blog for all to know.

well, as everyone is aware, wikipedia is the all-knowing, always infallible, universal source for all things. so i looked up pistachios. according to this omniscient website, a pistachio is a culinary nut (any large, oily kernel found within a shell and used in food), rather than a botanical nut (a simple dry fruit with one seed (rarely two) in which the ovary wall becomes very hard at maturity, and where the seed remains attached or fused with the ovary wall). now i'm not going to take the time to delve into plant biology--after all, this rabbit trail is already becoming much too long--but, this article does support the claim that a pistachio is not a "nut" in the traditional, botanical sense. however, this does not support that a pistachio is a legume (a simple dry fruit that develops from a simple carpel and usually opens along a seam on two sides), and it claims that many other "nuts" out there are also not truly nuts.

i feel as if one of my central life claims is quickly deteriorating--that i do not like nuts. (i feel i should add here, that another of my central life claims remains unscathed--that if it hurts, ice cream will make it better.)

actually, i could argue that i still do not like nuts. according to wikipedia, nuts (in the botanical sense) are things like hazelnuts, chestnuts, beech nuts. and i still dislike these. the problem is that many of the "nuts" that i dislike are not truly classified as nuts. for example, almonds, walnuts, pecans, brazil nuts, and macadamia nuts are all considered seeds or kernels. as are peanuts and pistachios--"nuts" that i like.

so where does that leave me? what can my new claim be? "i dislike nuts and many seeds and kernels"? maybe "i dislike nuts, seeds, kernels, except peanuts and pistachios"? hmm. maybe i'll just stick with "i don't like nuts" while adding that i'm a picky eater (though i never realized this until i moved out of my parents' house) and i dislike walnuts and almonds and brazil nuts and macadamia nuts and pecans and (while i'm on a roll...) cherries and coconut and tapioca and blueberries and tomatoes and mushrooms and...

here's my heart, You write the words

tonight is one of those nights where i have someone on my heart, but i just can't seem to find words.

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

Romans 8:25-27 (ESV)

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day...

...to quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place.

it sounds so simple. put aside your troubles and rest in Him. i struggle with this so much. i mean, i have no problem praying and asking Father for help with those troubles. but i don't want to let them go. i say "here, Lord, you take this half," or "c'mon, we'll lift together." but He makes it clear to us that we are to give those burdens completely to Him:

Philippians 4:6: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

1 Peter 5:6-7: Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

Psalm 55:22: Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.

and there are many more. like most of the blogs i write, this one is a reminder specifically for me.  i've been struggling with a number of things lately... broken relationships, bruised friendships, an uncertain future... and all i need to do is give these things to Him. lay them in His hands.  

please Father give me the strength to let go and to trust You. You are far more worthy than anything i could ever offer. please take my pride and my selfishness and my lusts and my desires, so that i may focus wholly on You. 

to go back to where i was would just be wrong... i'm pressing on

well, it is official. i will be unemployed after may. the job hunt is on. again. i hate the feeling of not knowing. not knowing where i'll be or what i'll be doing or if i'll know anyone there. i try to trust. i try to have faith and believe. but i get in my way. and i worry about how things are going to work out. i don't want to move somewhere alone. i lived in an apartment by myself for 2 years. and really didn't enjoy it most of the time. (technically, i guess you could say i wasn't alone... i had my fat cat.) so, that part of me freaks out at the possibility of having to do that again. anyway, sorry. not trying to whine.

i'm pressing on. i'm doing my best to give it all to the Lord. He is the only One who can (and does) know what my future holds. i'll just have to trust that His Way is best.

captivate us

a good friend of mine recently told me that i need to update more often. she's right. (thanks, nicole!) my first attempt at writing this particular post came last week during our weekly small group. i know, "you were blogging during small group?!" yes, i was. well, trying. i couldn't seem to figure out what to write or how to write it. i just knew i wanted to. so, after numerous attempts, i gave up for the evening.

so, now, another attempt. sitting in the living room floor with my guitar next to me. i've been learning a song by watermark, called "captivate us." the words are pretty amazing:

Your face is beautiful and Your eyes are like the starts

Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars

Your loving arms, they draw me near, and Your smile, it brings me peace

draw me closer, oh my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee

captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You

devastate us with Your presence falling down

and Rushing River, draw us nearer, Holy Fountain consume us with You

captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You

Your voice is powerful and Your words are radiant bright

in Your breath and shadow, I will come close and abide

You whisper love and live divine, and Your fellowship is free

draw me closer, oh my Lord, draw me closer, Lord, to Thee

captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You
devastate us with Your presence falling down
and Rushing River, draw us nearer, Holy Fountain consume us with You
captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You

and let everything be lost in the shadows of the light of Your face

and let every chain be broken from me as i'm bound in Your grace

for Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light

You're full of wisdom, power and might, and every eye will see You

captivate us, Lord Jesus, set our eyes on You
devastate us with Your presence falling down
and Rushing River, draw us nearer, Holy Fountain consume us with You
captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You

captivate us, Lord Jesus, with You

captivate us

i think right now, that's my prayer. to be so captivated by the Lord that everything else is just a shadow. i've recently been facing a number of personal struggles, and it is very difficult in those times for me to give up that burden. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. He's full of wisdom, power, and might. i know this. but for some reason, i always think there is some way that i can get thru these things in my strength.

Lord, please captivate my heart. take these burdens from me. fill me with Your love and Your wisdom and Your power.

life is not what i thought it was twenty-four hours ago...

today is my last day as a 24-year old. in reality, tomorrow i will have completed my 25th year of life. so crazy to think about.

i was sitting in my office at work today, trying to figure out exactly what i wanted this particular post to be about. it could be one of those cheesy, reflective "let me tell you everything i have learned in almost 25 years of life" posts,... or it could be one of those depressing "i'm now 1/4 of a century old. i could now be at 1/3rd of my life expectancy" posts,... or it could be a "yay! celebrate me! i'm turning 25! it's all about me!" kind of post... to be perfectly honest, i would prefer it not to be any of those.

what i'd really like it to be is somewhere in between, because i think it is important to occasionally reflect (tho it does not necessarily have to be on a birthday). and i think it is fun to celebrate making it thru 25 years of life. i have no desire to complain about how old i am... unless i'm talking about my constantly popping joints, or... just kidding. i really just want to post about a few discussions i have been involved in recently.

one occurred sometime last week. i wasn't exactly involved in the conversation, but it was happening around me. one of my friends mentioned that she didn't always like it when one of our pastors prayed on sunday mornings. because she felt like he prays in a very personal way... as if we are just privy to his conversation with Christ. and in a way, i think she's right. but her thought was that we shouldn't be listening in on that. and that he should save those prayers for his personal time, as Matthew 6 seems to imply (i'm inferring here,... i could be wrong. she may not have been referencing this verse):
"But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." (Matthew 6:6)i agree with her to some extent, but i also disagree. i do believe that when our pastor prays, we are often overhearing a conversation that he his having with the Lord. however, i believe we can look at that as a learning experience. i really enjoy listening to him pray, because he often prays in ways i wouldn't think of, or about things that i wouldn't normally put much thought into. and it is refreshing.
so...should this be the way he proceeds with prayer in front of the church? should we not be able to listen in? i'm honestly not sure...

switching gears: another conversation that occurred lately, happened at the small group that meets at our house. we had one girl come who is searching. she doesn't have a church background, and she doesn't know a lot about the Bible or even Christianity in general. however, she has a desire. we, as a small group, have been given a pretty awesome opportunity. not only an opportunity to witness to her and to try to answer her questions, but also to view Christianity through an unfiltered lens.
what i mean by that, is that oftentimes as Christians, we tend to start thinking and talking and even listening with a "church filter." we use our church words and carry our big churchy books and Bibles. we sometimes forget what it is like to be searching for fulfillment. for salvation. for redemption. it was really cool to sit back and listen to this girl, desperately seeking the Truth. and it was necessary for me to hear things as she views them, so that i can remember that we're not all the same...we process things differently. but on the other hand, we are the same: "for all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." (Romans 3:23)

anyway... i feel as if i'm getting ranty... one more thing. in small group last week, a newly wedded friend of ours came over. her husband was unable to come with her. nobody really said much about it. this week, another girl asked about girl #1... "is she a newlywed?" yes... "i can just tell. she has that glow." :) and it hit me. that is a beautiful picture of how our relationship with Christ should be. He should be so evident in us that we glow. people should know we are married to Christ just by the glow we have!